Finding Sobriety through Buddhism
I was a binge drinker. Thinking that I didn’t have a problem, because binge drinking isn’t the every-day kind of alcoholism. That I had trouble with the law still didn’t phase me; because I didn’t drink daily I wasn’t an alcoholic, just unlucky.
I used alcohol for several reasons. To help me relax, ease my social anxiety (that I didn’t even realize I had), to fit in. Drinking was a stress response, yet I didn’t see it that way. I simply saw it as what “everyone” was doing. Those that didn’t drink were either recovering from addiction or were just boring teetotallers.
After I left my ex-husband I fell in with a crowd of barflies. One was my boyfriend. The rest were long standing bar mates of his that I became friendly with. I would go to the bar almost everyday. Days off I would sit there for hours, and the next day I would be miserably hung over at work. I would say to myself “I’m not going to drink when I have to work the next day”, but inevitably I found myself at the bar tossing back more than a few. And the cycle continued.
I tried to slow down my drinking, which almost never works for anyone. Unsuccessful, I mentally beat myself up regularly. The people I was spending most of my time with weren’t really friends, which took me a while to see. I was trying to fit in, but I never could, because I finally saw that the drinking was destroying me. I became angry and lashed out at everyone. But I kept drinking.
One day I was researching alcoholism and came across Annie Grace of “This Naked Mind”. What a game changer. I decided to join the 30 day sobriety challenge. It wasn’t easy. I read Grace’s books, and others, watched videos and TED talks. My boyfriend was still drinking heavily. I lasted 30 days, and I felt pretty good physically, but mentally I was still suffering and felt very isolated. Then the Covid pandemic hit, and my hard work fell by the wayside. Drinking once again became the only way to cope, and it was cheaper at home since the bars were closed. But I was still angry and the drunken days/nights weren’t making me feel any better.
It was around this time that I discovered Buddhism. I was introduced to the writings of Thich Naht Hanh, which changed my life. I realized that my drinking served as an escape from the horrible feelings I had inside. I had allowed almost everyone in my life to walk all over me and I had become a punching bag. I was pissed. Why? The answer was so simple once I saw it. It was because I didn’t understand how to love myself. I had been thinking that making sacrifices of myself, my time and energy, was showing love for others. What I couldn’t see was that I was hiding myself behind those sacrifices. I desperately wanted to be seen, but I didn’t want to show myself. I was crippled by fear.
Coming to terms with my lack of self-love has been scary. I no longer use alcohol as a crutch. I struggle sometimes, but I have little reminders that tell me to refocus when I start to get swallowed up by anxiety. My boyfriend is in a Buddist recovery group. Now that we are both not drinking, our life together is becoming what we had imagined it would be. There’s still more work to be done, and I’m always trying not to fall back into old habits. What I have learned so far is that boundaries are vital to any relationship, including the one with myself. I’ve discovered that if people don’t like me, well then I don’t want to be around them anyway. I refuse to chase belonging; I choose to belong to myself.
